So it has been a long time since I updated but I have been very busy and preoccupied... So most of you know this, but I had a miscarriage back in July...a week after we found out we were having a boy. It has been very hard and today is the day I was supposed to be having our son. I decided to speak about this because no one does. As Christians we are supposed to be able to share our trials as well as our triumphs and no one talks about a loss of a baby and I just want to share because I want people to know that it is okay to share when you have a miscarriage. So I was 4 and a 1/2 months pregnant and usually when the miscarriage happens at this point it is because of an infection with the mother and it was...so that morning on the 18th (it was around 1 or 2 in the morning), my water broke and once at the hospital, was taken straight to a room...then had to wait and wait...it seemed like forever, but then my doctor came, confirmed everything...then couple hours later, we were given a decision to make...which I am thankful that at the end we did not have to decide...we were told that we can either try to keep the baby inside for another 6 weeks with me stitched up until when it would be viable for the baby to be born or go through labor and have the baby now but the baby would not be alive...but there was a huge risk to me...there would be a great chance of me having an infection and still have to have the baby before 24 weeks, but there was a chance that I would be able to carry up to 24 weeks...we had 30 minutes to talk about this and it was very hard...of course hubby did not want me to carry this baby any longer because of the risk, but I was very torn between whether I should or should not...then the doctor came back in saying that we did not have the decision any longer because I had a fever which meant I had an infection...then another dilemma...because we were at a Catholic Hospital, we could not go through with delivering but the doctor was able to talk to the right people and decided to not to move me because of my risk... So a few hours later, I went into labor and delivered the baby...it was not as difficult because it happened pretty fast although some would say otherwise...it was painful but thankfully I had the help of some medication... So afterwards, I was looked after closely to make sure my fever was going down...and in the meantime, Jay and I got to spend some time with our son...he really looked like a newborn although he was smaller, skinnier and darker in color...it was very hard for us...but we had to say goodbye...even now it is so hard, especially today because we were supposed to have him today and I know Christmas and the New Year will be very hard because we were supposed to show off our son... When we left the hospital, we received a little box with the footprints of our son on a small heart shaped pillow...I still have not opened it since the day I got it...it is still sitting on top of our entertainment system where I left it the day we got home... I really wanted to share this because a lot of people who have gone through the same thing think they are not supposed to share something like this and they are alone, but it helps to share and find out others have gone through this...after I went through this, I found out that other people I knew went through the same thing...not to the same extent, but they experienced it...I have also found people online who I do not know (they have sites for those who have had miscarriages), and have spoken to many who have had miscarriages and has given me hope because afterwards they have had many children...there were a couple I have been speaking with who had 5 miscarriages and now has 5 children... I have been struggling with my emotions ever since it happened and as my due date was getting closer, it has been harder for me...especially when I lay down to sleep because I am not busy doing anything...what keeps me busy during the day is 2 part-time jobs...I am working at Ann Taylor Loft and Sendik's (a grocery store and in our case a gas station also as a cashier)...also I have been busy with my business...since my miscarriage, I have gotten 2 more clients for full service wedding planning... I hope this helps those going through tough times to be able to share them with others...we are a family! I miss our son...we did not name him...I could not decide so we (well I) call him baby Han and he is our angel who has gone to be with God ahead of us and I consider us having a child...he is not with us but he is ours... Please pray for us...it is still pretty raw and it shows when we see children anywhere (even TV) and for me everytime I see someone who is pregnant... Have a great Christmas everyone and here is to a New Year! | 
